a few things to know about dementia
that's right it's a sad one this week! buckle up!
This election season has been so exhausting. I don’t know when they’re ever not tiring. Hopefully, if you’re a regular reader of my blog, you won’t have any trouble discerning who I am voting for. You’ll also know that this blog is really only obliquely political. Today is no different.
Every election since 2016 has felt so high stakes and so dramatic. That’s obviously for good reason. The 2024 elections have been particularly upsetting. There’s just absolutely no end to the dreaded fucking Dementia Discourse.
Before the big candidate shakeup in this election, it felt like all anybody ever talked about was which candidate was more likely to have dementia. And I get it. Both of them are shaky at best when it comes to their presentation to the world, and I am so excited for the day when our choices are cooler than two old, boring men in their late 70s early 80s. It’s also not bad to want a president who is a bit more mentally sharp than either of them appeared to be.
At the same time, though, it was and still is really tough to listen to the constant disdain with which dementia is treated through this election. It’s a punchline, constantly. It’s talked about as if it’s a personal moral failing, something that’s just sooooo funny because it’ll never happen to us young, hip people, right?! It only happens to smelly old white men that we don’t like, right?!
There are so many reasons to criticize both of those old fucks. But to me, constantly dunking on the possibility that they might have dementia is revealing. It reveals a really troubling ableism and a delusional denial of the reality that cognitive decline can hit anyone, you don’t have to be a hateful billionaire for it to happen to you.
I have had very close experiences with dementia. I can promise you that it doesn’t discriminate and it actually doesn’t matter how progressive or kind you are or you think you are, you aren’t lowering your risk for dementia by dunking on people who have it.
Dementia is really common. As of 2022, Columbia University reported that 1 in 10 adults over the age of 65 have dementia. Your odds of getting dementia double every 5 years from age 65-90, according to the NIH.
Dementia is a really nasty bitch. In my experience, it was hard to catch it coming on with both of my family members. One was around 80 or so when it started coming on, the other was 58. It obviously made more sense that the 80 year old was developing dementia, but both were fucking terrible.
The Alzheimer’s Association lists 10 common signs and symptoms of dementia on their website. I’d like to share a little anecdote from my own experience with some of these signs and symptoms, because on this godforsaken internet it’s apparently okay to ridicule even the most painful life experiences. Sincerity is apparently lame, and irony is king.
So, you know, maybe read this list and let me know if you still think dementia is funny. And sure—I’ve been known to crack several jokes about my own experiences caring for people with dementia. There’s nothing wrong with finding humor in difficult situations. But if you look closely at yourself and at the way the world has been talking about dementia, you’ll know damn well that there’s a difference between finding humor in a dark situation that you personally have experienced, and making stupid jokes about shit you don’t know about.
Generally, I think it’s lame to joke about serious things like dementia if you’ve never experienced them yourself. The overly hyperbolic and always-joking internet might have you thinking otherwise, but kindness and compassion for experiences you have never had will always matter. Not everything is kind to joke about.
So let’s talk about some symptoms of dementia, and what it looked like for me and might look like for you to care for someone experiencing these things.
Memory loss that disrupts daily life
This one is especially hard to catch if your person was always a little forgetful. They just can’t remember anything, you’ll tell yourself. It’s not a huge deal that we just got home from the hospital and they forgot they were ever there, it’s probably fine! You’ll eventually start to wonder if the delusion you’re indulging in counts as its own form of dementia.
Difficulty completing familiar tasks
You will probably take awhile to accept this one too. The first time you notice them having difficulty completing familiar tasks, it was after a really scary hospital stay! I couldn’t put my socks on either after something so scary, you’ll tell yourself, ignoring every subsequent incidence of socks just being an inscrutable puzzle for your person, who hasn’t had trouble dressing themselves since they were 4 years old.
Confusion with time or place
The worst part about the confusion is that it will come and go in waves. One minute, they’ll be speaking totally inscrutable word salad. The next, they’ll be talking normally and convincing a doctor that no, they weren’t driving on the wrong side of the road 2 hours ago, and actually they just need a good night’s sleep.
Decreased or poor judgement
It’s really a trip to gaslight yourself. Is your loved one with dementia actually displaying poor judgment by insisting on walking down a 45 degree pitched driveway, in their slippers, with 4 inches of solid ice on the ground? Or are you just a hateful bitch who doesn’t believe in their capabilities? Guess you’ll never know.
Changes in mood and personality
Watching my person with dementia develop sudden mood changes felt like I was going completely insane. What had I missed? We were talking about hypothetical cruise plans one minute, and the next, they were yanking the IV out of their arm, looking me dead in the eyes, and telling me I am a disgrace and they’re ashamed of me. I must have missed something, because no one flips on a dime like that. Right?
New problems in speaking or writing
Some symptoms are just heartbreak in motion. I watched my person with dementia, a former English teacher, a gifted writer, and an engaging speaker, lose the ability to write letters in a straight line. I watched their writing start to look like the letters were flinging themselves off a cliff, the letters looking as desperate as we both felt.
I don’t know, man. There’s nothing wrong with dark humor. But there’s a certain tinge to the humor when people are joking about things they have never experienced, or are delusional enough to think they will never experience.
I think, in an ideal world, you earn the right to fuck around with dark humor.
I don’t want to hear any more jokes about which presidential candidate (or current president) is losing more dendrites by the day. Unless you’ve watched someone you love lose their mind, I don’t want to hear it. You don’t actually know what’s funny about dementia unless you’ve experienced it for yourself, and I promise you that is not perspective you want to gain.
But you might. The odds are pretty good that you’ll gain it. Why hurry yourself along that road? Heartbreak and grief and the ability to dispense and understand dark humor is a part of life. There’s something horrible about inviting that energy before its time, because its time will come.
See you next week. I’ve been writing a lot for my day job so writing for the blog has been a bit harder—thanks for the week off.